Emotion coaching is the practice of tuning into children’s feelings, and helping children learn to cope with — and self-regulate — negative emotions like fear, anger, and sadness.
As proposed by psychologist John Gottman, the practice includes these key components:
- becoming aware of emotions, even low-intensity emotions, in yourself and your child;
- accepting and validating your children’s feelings;
- helping your child describe and label emotions with words; and (when a child has calmed down)
- talking with your child about practical strategies for dealing with the situations that trigger difficult emotions.
Does this approach make a difference? Yes. Here’s an overview of emotion coaching and its effects, with some tips for becoming a more effective emotion coach.
1. Try to notice signs of emotion before your child’s feelings become intense.
Is your child looking a bit frustrated? Disappointed? Sad? Worried?
Tell your child you’ve noticed a change (e.g., “You seem a little quiet…”) and invite your child to talk about the cause. If you suspect a specific trigger, bring it up gently (e.g., “maybe your finding it a little hard, having to take turns with your brother…”).
2. Listen, validate, and show empathy.
Relate to your child’s experiences. For example, if your child feels rejected or humiliated at school, you can imagine being in a similar situation at work. If your child is upset about being asked to share a favourite toy, ask how you would feel if somebody asked you to hand over your phone — with all your personal information on it.
You don’t have to approve of all your child’s behaviour. Hitting other people, for example, isn’t acceptable. But your child needs to know that you understand the emotions he or she is struggling with. You can relate to the situation, and empathise. You can see why your child feels that way.
3. If your child is in the grip of strong emotions, allow for time to calm down.
When your child is upset, you might be tempted to start problem-solving, or to expect your child to start reasoning with you about the situation. But powerful emotions — including anxiety, anger, and fear — trigger a “fight or flight” response. They block our ability to reason and control our impulses, and make us vulnerable to overreacting to additional triggers.
So if, for example, a child is highly-distressed about going to the doctor, this isn’t the time to list all the reasons why medical visits are important, or to bribe or pressure your child to cooperate. The immediate focus is to take a pause, and allow the stress response to wind down. Look for signs that your child’s breathing has slowed down and become more regular.
4. If needed — and when your child is ready — you can also focus on problem-solving.
This includes setting limits, and talking with your child about possible ways to prevent or avoid future conflicts. For instance, if — during an angry tantrum — your child hit his brother, you will want to reaffirm that this behavior is unacceptable. You can discuss why we have rules like these, and ask your child to think of other, acceptable ways to cope with anger in the future.
