Young children experience a range of emotions and express themselves in many different ways. It’s normal for toddlers and young children to display challenging behaviour in their early years.
Some behaviours that families commonly find challenging include:
- defiance (e.g. refusing to follow your requests)
- fussiness (e.g. refusal to eat certain foods or wear certain clothes)
- hurting other people (e.g. biting, kicking)
- excessive anger when the child doesn’t get their own way
- tantrums.
How to deal with challenging behaviours
Setting rules is important so that your child knows what behaviour is expected of them. Keep your instructions simple and short (e.g. “No hurting other people.”), and make sure your child understands what you have told them. It’s also important to give a short and simple instruction about the behaviour you would like to see (e.g. “be gentle with your brother”).
There are a number of options for discouraging challenging behaviours, such as:
- Ignoring – for minor attention-seeking behaviours, it is best to ignore the behaviour (e.g. turn away from your child and respond only when they stop doing it). Constantly responding to negative behaviours can teach a child that this is a good way to get your attention.
- Distraction – young children might stop the negative behaviour if given an appealing alternative.
- Encouraging empathy – point out how your child’s behaviour is making another person feel (e.g. sad, hurt) and ask your child how they would feel if someone did the same to them.
Dealing with ongoing, more serious negative behaviour can be very stressful. It is best to guide your child’s behaviour by using a positive approach. A positive approach to managing your child’s behaviour invloves rewarding good behaviours often and focusing on positive aspects of your child’s behaviour, rather than directing attention to negative behaviours.
- Reinforce positive behaviours before they become negative (e.g. “I think you’re doing a great job at playing gently with your brother”). This encourages your child by giving attention to their positive behaviour, rather than waiting until they become too rough and having to focus on the negative behaviour. Make sure you are specific about what behaviours you really like and want to encourage.
- Be a role model for your child. Children pick up clues about how to behave from watching others. It’s important to act and talk in a way that you’d like to see reflected in your child’s behaviour – if you want to discourage your child from shouting at you, it is important to try to keep a calm voice when you are becoming frustrated.
Consequences for negative behaviour:
- If your child is breaking the rules, communicate to them that they are doing the wrong thing and, if appropriate, give them a second chance to correct the behaviour.
- If the negative behaviour continues, there should be a logical, age-appropriate consequence that you are willing and able to carry through with (e.g. “If you don’t stop snatching from your friend, you can’t play with the cars anymore”). Immediate consequences are fairer and more effective than delayed consequences.
When to see a doctor:
- Sometimes, severe and persistent challenging behaviour can be a sign of a developmental condition or a more serious mental health concern. If your child’s behaviour is affecting the way they cope with life you should see your GP for help and further assessment.
- Behavioural challenges can have an ongoing, negative impact on family life. If you are having difficulties managing or coping with your child’s behaviour, you can talk to a GP who may refer you on to a specialist in paediatric behaviours.
